I, Me, Myself

“Every form of happiness is private. Our greatest memories are personal, self-motivated, not to be touched. The things which are sacred or precious to us are the things we withdraw from promiscuous sharing.”

For no reason, i suddenly remembered this quote few days back. Its from Fountainhead.
There is such a fine line between happiness and enjoyment. And most often than not, we tend to mistake enjoyment for happiness.
I will enjoy when im yelling my throat out at the amusement park, but i will be happy when im alone, all by myself thinking about nothing.
I will enjoy when im dancing and yelling crazily in the rain with my friends, but just watching the rain pelt outside from my window will truly make me happy.
i will enjoy a movie in the movie hall, but i will be happy when i listen to Kishore da songs in the dark.
i will enjoy an animated conversation over a cup of coffee with friends, I will be happy contemplating on a lazy sunday morning.
I enjoyed the crowded, magnificent and huge sight of Niagara, but the deserted, placid and almost anonymous lake on our way back truly made me happy.
Proclaiming your love to the world is one thing but treasuring those moments and things which only the both of us know, i altogether different thing.
Long distance calls to friends and late night gtalk sessions are something i enjoy, But the thought of my friends when something reminds me of them makes me happy.
I enjoy coming to office everyday to hear the clatter and laughs of my group mates; but spending a quite weekend working in the deserted and heavily quite office is something i enjoy. (just to set the record straight, i DO NOT enjoy working weekends :| )
I am not saying these things 'make' me happy necessarily, its just that in these situations im with myself. On my own. And thats the reason why im more peaceful in these situations. That means, even if im alone, listening to Himesh bhai's songs, i will be happy. (only thoughts like the purpose of the perenially present cap on his head, and a few words cursing him might crop in my mind in the process).
Im not quite sure whether i have put forth the point correctly or not, but this is one quote i vehemently agree with.

a video

I generally dont like to post political views and stuff on my blog, but then I couldnt resist posting this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ3OMo_r_Gs

One of my friend forwarded it to me, and initially i thought it was some kind of a satirical piece. But then this was in all seriousness!!! God bless the human race!

Rant.........

Should i be bothered if i dont have any dreams in life?
I came across a quote by Walt Disney the other day:
All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.
And then it suddenly struck me. Gosh!! I dont have any dreams in life. I mean yes, I always wanted to study further in a faraway land, be on my own for few years, enjoy life, travel, read, be knowledgable and all that....and that i did (or so i think). Then after that, I wanted a job that I would enjoy. That im doing. I love my work and i dont quite dread the everyday 9-5 routine. BUT....Its not my dream. Not my passion. Hell, i dont even think i have any passions. Come to think of it, i never really thought about all this seriously till few days back. I mean yes, I want to have fun in life, enjoy every single moment, love, get loved, and in general live a content life. This I am doing. I am happy. Content. But why is it that I dont want anything SO badly that i would want to leave anything and everything I have to pursue it?
Why is this thought bothering me so much?

On a completely different note, I am reading Shantaram (the novel by Gregory David Roberts) these days, and i am lovin it! There will be a post coming soon on that later i guess.

Till then
--neha

BB wanted!

This is not exactly a post, but a cry for help!! :D
Well, actually i was searching for quite some days for the English translation of Byomkesh Bakshi. (Byomkesh Bakshi who?? Please go to Pluto!!) Can anyone point me to an e-book or similar?
The original volumes are written in Bengali (Yet another reason to learn the language :D), But i guess finding the english translation would take less time then me learning a new language. Youtube series on the same is quite good, but not very accurate. So please, mere pyaare desh vaasiyon, if you have some clues to this, leave in a comment.

Just another post!

This post is just a random collection of half written thoughts. Thoughts i write randomly on my desk top when emotions and thoughts overflow. But then i am too lazy to open my blog to post them or most of the times i think they are really low graded pieces of badly written thoughts, full of gramatical mistakes !! But then who cares?! (Well I do :D) Till date, i have not exactly discovered the reason of my keeping this blog. Do i like to write? (well sometimes). But then if i do, i can write, like these posts i had written on my laptop or desk top. Why publish them? Do i want people to read them, appreciate them? Well, appreciating is kind of too high an expectation, But i guess it will be false to say the i dont care whether people read the blog or not. I dont write for people, blah blah!! coz then keeping the blog would lose its point! Anyways, enough of bakar!! Dont try to make any sense of the bits and pieces of what is to follow!! or please do, if you have nothing better to do!!

the best part of my job is that i dont have to wear formals to work. And the work itself :D
Well iv got nothing against wearing skirts and trousers and formal heeled black shoes, but then dont blame me if i slip and fall, and trip an old guy in the company in the process (i later find out that the old guy holds some influential post in the company and has power to fire anyone who trips him).
Actually our company (im the partner in the firm, if u didnt know)... I mean, the company that i slog for, has two floors, one where all the Firmware, Hardware and the ASIC designers work (including me) and one which houses all the HR people, administrative staff and the software engineers. What struck me most was the stark difference in the dress code on the 2 floors. Now, someone later told me the the company does not have a dress code for anyone. But as you go from the Lower floor of HRs and administration, where you will be swarmed by guys(rather uncles and grandfathers) in coats and ties and boots and the ladies in smart starched clothes and heels. Now, i always feel a little (rather a lot) out of place when i go downstairs. I feel more at home among people on my floor, who come to office in sweats, trackpants, shorts and a myraid of such casual rags. Here, i dont have to worry about those glances which say 'huh! you are still wearing your pajamas and tshirt' or 'time to do laundry!' . and the biggest relief is that i can wear my sneakers, and not those 6 inch high heels or those shoes which bite.

Today is election day, here in US. And im pretty much excited. Well i dont really care who wins, or may be i do care afterall! But im just eager to see the outcome of the elections coz i have been following them pretty closely, and have a few bets on with two of my office friends on the outcome of the elections, and also, World peace!! (remember Miss Congeniality?! :D)

I Recently finished reading "The Space Between US" by Thrity Umrigar. A very very nice read. Awesome way of writing.Kept me engaged and thinking during the entire course of of the read, and even after it. I wont go into the review of the book but would suggest anyone interested to definitely try this one out.
What i hated (yes, i say hated) about this book is that it left lose ends. I know that is one very effective way to let readers decide how to shape the characters from the point the book ends. Let the readers begin a new story from where the author ends it. But i hate this tactic of keeping the readers engaged even after the book is finished. Not only this book, but any book that leaves it upto us, to imagine what would happen to the character after "the End". In this book, it wasnt lose ends, per se, But i would have loved to see how the author shaped up Maya after 'The End'. It leaves the story on a very precarious mode...."Tomorrow, it held hope as well as threat"!! I does show one of the protagonist achieves peace in her mind and all, but then again, I would love some "after the-end facts" !!
Again, do read this if you get the chance.

Saw 3 movies this weekend. phew, feels so good to be back to movie watching spree. And it helps if you have company!!
-Interpreter: awesome awesome awesome
-Boys dont cry: Nice movie, but somehow i didnt quite like it. It requires an emotional depth to understand this movie, which i obviously dont have!!
-Wag the Dog: Now this is my kind of movie!! Split my sides laughing! Dustin Hoffman as usual rocked!

Jai blogging!! :D

The post is the result of something i was reading in the TOI 5 min back.
Why do people say "Jai Maharashtra" and not "Bharat maata ki jai"?
Saying does not change anything, except reflect some of your thoughts. I would say neither of the things....But still..

Things i did this weekend

• Played tennis with S. Think we both are getting pretty good at it. Atleast better than when we started out.

• Went to 6 flags with S and one of my office friends. It was fun. As usual

• Won a huge Tweety soft toy at one of those game stalls at 6 flags. Its kinda freaky how tweety can support such a huge head on its little legs!!

• Yelled till my throat got sore. and my neck still hurts.

• Got new shoes. super comfortable running shoes.
  

• S and I went to this awesome antique car exhibition near my office.

• Regretted like anything about forgetting to take my camera to the exhibition :-(

• Made pav bhaji :-)

• Watched Harold and Kumar. nice movie, though made me go 'ewwww' on some occasions.

• Dreaded Monday.

clink!

I raise my glass (water in it) *clinks* *slurps* *burps*....i get a total high. on water.
Reason of celebration: Today is my and Z's first anniversary. One year spent fruitfully.
May the association always be a happy one. For both of us!!
Amen

ordinary musings

Madat kaun karne ko bol raha hai..(who is asking for your help), but is it SO hard to even wish well for someone??!!
Sorry if i sound suicidal or depressed or frustrated with life and people, because im not. I am leading a perfectly content, happy life (touchwood).
But the question posed in the first line, strikes me. it strikes me time and again. It strikes me when im at my happiest self. Ok, even i admit im insane and the authorities of the Yerwada hospital are on the lookout for me, but seriously, Why cant people wish well for others? Does it take a lot of your time and energy? or you have limited buffer to fill good wishes for. Even if this is true, why cant one just not wish at all? yaar atleast kisika bura mat chaho (atleast dont wish bad for anyone). I know, someones' wishing is not going to change anything for the person for who (or is it whom, according to Ross? ;)) it is wished. But still...

19 truths and a lie

I am not particularly feeling like working today...the morning 2 hours were spent on reading what McCain and Obama would do to stabilise the American economy. One thing is true for politicians anywhere...they simply do not understand Prevention is better than cure. Ok, so early morning went on the wall Stree Journal, followed by at least an hour of minimizing Minesweeper windows pretending to work. and now, im running out of things to pass time doing, So thought about coming and paying homage (my blog is dead according to me) to my blogpage. And as i said, i absolutely dont feel like working today. 2-3 days back my manager assigned me to a new project which would keep me busy for atleat 6 months, he said. The first thought that came to my mind was, Chalo ab 6 months ke liye toh job pakka hai. I feel like a total loser when i say this, but i guess every person working in america is i guess thinking on the same lines. However competant one might be, when such economic crisis strikes, and people start getting layed off left and right, circumstances force you to think along these lines. So, being just couple of days old on this new project, im in the process of setting up a background to start the actual process of making the thing work. So, the work load being managable for atleast this week, i hereby allow myself to blog from office.

Coming back to the title of this post:

1) It scares me to talk about myself in public. and i am very scared right now :-/

2) I like being with friends and people in general, but for some part of the day, i find it extremely necessary to be alone, by myself. its not something i like, but a necessecity. I feel suffocated if im not left alone for some time.

3) i am not ambitious. i would hate to turn into a workaholic. It scares me sometimes when im so engrossed in work that i forget my meals and forget to call home. Sure, i enjoy doing what i do, but i would hate to see it overpower the rest of my life. my outside-work life.

4) I can very easily laugh at myself. And it doesnt bother if people laugh at me. I dont know why this is the case, but something that i very much believe in is that as human beings, we all suck to some extent (and i suck to a great extent). It is quite senseless to laugh at others and look down upon others because more often than not, someone else is laughing at you and looking down upon you.

5) i had thought and would very firmly believe that i would never fall in love. rather, it would be absolutely impossible to like someone, care for someone, love someone, the way i love my family. This was proved wrong. in fact, i dont have any 'beliefs' now i feel, whatever i think, feel, believe in, is subject to change. I guess it is true for all people, but just that we dont realise it until it changes.

6) 2 years in the US, and iv still not turned into an alcoholic (im a good girl ;)), i still hate coke and anything that has pressurized Co2 in it, still love chocolates and still havent got the typical amrican accent. I was shocked at myself when my friend at work pointed out that ive started saying "khamaynds" instead of "kammands" (commands). I am seriously and conciously saying kammands now.

7) I hate Soft toys. Its not exactly hate, but just that i dont like them so much. the only ones i have are gifts from friends, and i like them because they are gifts.

8) im completely crazy about my DSLR and photography is something im seriously "studying" these days. The best way to learn photography is by observing others' photographs and using your imagination to try out different things with your camera.

9) i love travelling. well not the travel that is usually talked about- flights, 4-5 star hotels, comfort. No. The best way to get pleasure out of travelling is do be as crude and pre-historic as possible. going into the wilderness and exploring unexplored places, thats where nature is to be witnessed. I was totally shocked to see what we humans have done to the Niagara Falls.

10) i want to get lost once. Not like taking a wrong turn or a wrong exit. But, i want to get lost in the woods. That is half the part of one of my fantasies. the rest part (what i want to do after getting lost), well let me keep it to myself. I dont want to shock the few readers who read my blog.

11) i have a fetish for good smelling things. I dont like perfumes and scented candles and they give me headaches. I like the more lingering, natural fragraces and not overpowering ones. I dont like it when my clothes smell of garlic due to the heavy indian cooking. I make a great deal of fuss, which infuriated my mom to a great extent while she was here, to ventilate my small Studio and drive all the food-smell out.

12) I absolutely hate shopping for clothes. I will give credit to my mom for taking me clothes-shopping with her-it is responsible in making me the very patient person that i have turned out to be. In fact, i hate shopping for anything. Be it clothes, shoes, bags. The shopping bug does bite me for like once every year, and i will shop like crazy for a day, but then thats it.

13) I like to cook very complicated dishes. I wont cook for the whole week, but cook super-duper recipe, a 'shaahi' dish on weekend. Last weekend i made malai kofta from an online recipe, and it exhausted me so much that i didnt cook for the next 2 weeks. FYI, the dish had turned out to be 'amazing' in my words, 'not-bad' in my mom's words, 'haha' in my sister's words who is in india and didnt taste it. And later on 'really!??' in S's words, who does not believe i cook.

14) i sleep a LOT. and i like sleeping.

15) i can eat chocolates for lunch and dinner. As the main course i mean. I have often done that. You will understand if you are a vegetarian at a typical american barbeque picnic, where you have nothing but burgers (which are by default chicken, unless specified otherwise) and the veggie burgers are edible only for the first time. So after a year of grad life, and surviving many such picnics, iv turned into a choccie (like veggie/non-veggie) :-/
It is this habit that is responsible in increasing my perimeter, area and volume.

16) I have got a lot of inertia. Not because of my size, as you might think. Or maybe because of that. It takes a LOT of motivation, enthusiasm or any other trigger available to get me started on any new thing or stop me from doing a particular thing i have been doing, be it going to the gym, preparing a meal, getting out of bed, going for work and even stopping my work and coming back home.

17) i love driving. i prefer being the driver rather than sitting behind and enjoying the scenery.

18) I am not a confused person as my friends think i am. Back in college i was known for being always confused about stuffs and putting these wierd expressions on my face when in doubt. But to all those people i un-intentionally fooled, I am pretty much clear in my mind about most of the things. How that gets portrayed as confusion is still a mystery to me.

19) The only thing till now, that has given me the 'adrenaline rush' were the rides at 6-flags (its this awesome awesome chain of amusement parks with these awesome awesome rides. Not the merry go round type rides in Appu ghar where people feel dizzy and puke after a round of ride, but the super duper crazy roller coasters which go in all possible axes, all possible directions at high speeds). That is one place im surely going to miss if i leave US. It is one of my crazy dream to go and visit all the 6-flags in the US. For records, people who are fond of these crazy rides, you should make it a point and go visit the six flags at LA. The biggest of all 6-flags. That was one of the most exciting days of my life, i must say!

20) there is a lie in one of these 20 point i made about myself. Can you guess which?

Phew.

The longest post till date?
signing off- neha

Obituary...

Acadia cruiser was one hell of a bike. sHe served me well for a short span she was with me. my faithful companion when i used to bike my way 8-9 miles each day to and from office for few weeks. she was my only companion then. She is gone, probably got a new master, but her spirit continues to live..accompanies me, when i drive my car to office now. She had a major role in making me fit, active and enjoy biking. She was also responsible for giving me sore thighs and a sore ass. But, in her i found a relentless spirit, never tiring, never letting the air go off, always rolling.
I wish she is happy wherever she is. But i do wish the person who stole my bike, never enjoys his/her rides. Let Acadia give him/her a hard time whenever he/she rides. Afterall, it was my baby, my love, and no one had the right over it but me.
In fond memory, i owe you a lot.
survived by Her master and companion(neha) and family.
june 4th 2008- sept 2nd.

PS: They call it a "developed" nation...pan actually ikadche lok titkech garib ahet :-/

no time for a title

For some reason, iv always, even as a child, been fascinated by heights, the vast expanse of oceans or rather 'vast-ness' of things in general...
i get this high, the 'adrenaline-rush' in me whenever i see the world from the top, like seeing the entire LA sprawled in front of my eyes when the tallest roller-coaster in six flags, LA reached its pinnacle, seeing boston from the skywalk observatory, and realising for the first time how beautiful the city is!! seeing new york from the empire state building...for me, these moments leave a special mark in my mind...more than the after effects, its that momentary thrill i get...more than the visual sight, its the feeling i remember when i think of these places.
I even find a weird sense of crazy joy when i go as far as i can into the ocean and stare at the unending expanse, the uncluttered view and stare at the thin line that connects the water and the sky, i somehow feel very powerful from within at these moments yet realising how powerful the nature is, and how meek we are in front of it. i may be totally at nature's mercy at these moments, but i feel like a person who is riding the tsunami!! The trip to the grand canyon was another exhilerating experience. I feel there is nothing 'beautiful' about the grand canyon other than a display of what nature can do...it completely bowled me over...looking at the symmetric patterns carved into the earth!!...and its HUGE!!
Why is it that i always get these thoughts, some random ramblings when i have some work to do? The stuff i am working on at the moment has reached a point when "dava ki nahi, dua ki jaroorat hoti hai". The workload pressure surely stimulates my blog-writing-hormones!!
erm, back to my work, music coming in through my headphones: Dhingana's top 10 list.

how about some politics?

I generally keep my political opinions to myself and prefer listening to people rather than stating my opinions when it comes to politics. But for once, i was truly happy when the UPA won the vote of confidence. For one, our PM, Manmohan Singh is one of my favorite politicians. I mean ok, chosing a favorite politician is like chosing from among a mob of bad people who is better among them all, but still, I do like him, as a person and as a politician. True, prices have risen during his regime, the middle class did bear the brunt, but then again, who can guarantee this wouldnt have happened if some other party was in power?!
The PM's reaction after the vote of confidence, especially this:
"http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Advani_called_me_nika
mma_PM_Manmohan/articleshow/3265909.cms"
is something i enjoyed reading. This is the way to get back (if you have to) at someone, rather than cursing the person or disrupting the parliament sessions.
But yes, im happy that the nuclear deal will atleast hopefully see light.

title?...cant think of one..

I love sleeping....
i do feel a pang of guilt when i see, hear people claiming there are more important things to do in life other than sleeping....important things to be accomplished, deadlines to be met, things that need to be taken care of, aims to be fulfilled....why waste time in sleeping?!!
well, for me, sleep is more than a necessity... i mean, i dont need to sleep, i love to sleep. The feeling when you hit the sack after a hard, gruelling day at work...well, that feeling is just awesome! i can, and do sleep for almost 14-15 hours at a stretch (though this is rapidly turning into an impossible dream these days..) sleep for like hours together, wake up, yawn endlessly, cuddle lazily in my super-cozy comforter, and then drift back to a sound sleep again...well this is my ideal way to spend my weekend (atleast one day of my weekend!!).
i guess i can be happy in life by just sleeping, watching movies, eating and travelling..... and i sometimes feel i really just want to do only this....why to work? why to slog over an interface that is refusing to give me the results i want...but then, it kind of scares me that i have such aims in life...that im not as ambitious as people around me.

I do enjoy my work, love doing what im doing...but...

suddenly....

good times end, and so do bad times....
Even time has no option, but to pass.

bombay bhel...

No complaints, i simply adored the bhel i had ordered the other day in an indian restaurant (a very popular one) here in boston, but it took me some time to actually notice that the green colored bits in the bhel were not raw-mango (kairi) pieces but pieces of green bell-pepper (capsicum)!!
The dish goes by the name of 'bombay bhel' on the menu in their list of cold appetizers. I was quite looking forward to eat bhel after God knows how much time, and was really pleased with the look of it. It looked just the way bhel should look like, tasted it pretty much the way it should taste, only until i discovered the strange ingredient!!
Thackeray-ji are you listening?!! Please do something to 'protect' the mumbai-cusine!! The 'marathi'-cuisine!

All said and done, had a hearty indian meal, with great company, great conversation and equally ethnic milieu!

things that have thrilled me lately...

i was just thinking about the moments when i was extremely thrilled and content...

-> standing under the hot shower after a tiring day.
-> talking for hours into the night with old friends on gtalk.
-> a surprise birthday gift from a totally unexpected person.
-> the manager calling me into his office to praise the work i have done (when least expected)
-> good conversations with work people
-> cuddling up in the arms of a loved one
-> watching the entire Boston city sprawled up in front of you..a panoramic view from the tallest building in Boston.
-> for some reason, peeing in the rest room on the 52nd floor!
-> having an awesome time all day long, doing sightseeing and then coming back home tired, to your own cosy room, to sit in my cosy bean chair.
-> driving my new (old) car
-> that high when u reach a new place without getting lost, and without using a GPS:)

Life!!

Life is too important to be ever taken seriously...
time and again this belief of mine gets reinforced...it gets firm whenever i start worrying about petty things or petty people (yes you do meet such people...people who are just not worth your time)...and it also gets firm whenever im with the people i love, my friends, my family and completely awesome strangers i randomly happen to meet:)
Yes, life is 'only' about happiness...its 'only' living and letting others live...its 'only' about enjoying the maximum of things you do...i say maximum of things because i dont really think anyone enjoys doing 100% of the things one does...So yes, for me this is life, this is the way i live it...
but why am i blabbering about 'life' all of a sudden...a bit too heavy topic it is!!!
but yes, i feel its a good thing to sit back once in a while and remind yourself how you want to live your life.

two things are pissing me off late...
1) people who take advantage of ur needing any sort of help from them
2)false promises...

These things never pissed me so much before...there are some people who are like this, and i had always steered clear off them...i knew how to ignore them...but nowadays i cant help get bothered by such behaviour!

PS: true to the title of my blog,...this space is nothing but a punching bag...should seriously write about some 'issue'..n get people to read my sad little blog!!!

The kind stranger..

After having gone through a crappy time past 3-4 days, even one little kind word from someone matters so much...
This post is just an outburst of emotion within me...it might seem childish to the point of being stupid! well as mentioned, i was going through a rough time for the past few days...i was like totally drained emotionally, physically and financially too!! The reasons for which are not quite important..but yes, in such a state of mind what came across as a ray of sunshine was a kind gesture from the bus driver of the MBTA bus i took today while coming to office. The walk from the bus stop to my office is like 10 min, feels like 20 min walk in the snow and wind chill. But this particular driver was so concerned about me having to walk in the snow that he went out of the way and stopped the bus at the signal, so i didnt have to walk. this gesture for some reason made me so happy! I dont know why....right now, im feeling kind of stupid even writing this, but at that moment, i felt like going and hugging the driver! It kind of renewed my faith that humans can be considerate too! (my faith in the 'human' streak in humans has always been shakey, for some reason!)

TZP

Saw Taare Zameen Par few days back and was simply stunned by the movie...truly awesome!! after a long time iv cried while watching any movie!!
Yet again, Amir Khan came out as a bold entertainer, this time as the director...willing to take risks and venture out to do something new!! hats off to the movie:)